Sunday, March 15, 2009
105 pounds ago
Some ruminations, preop Lapband....
Going backward. Backing up, doing it in reverse. That is the answer to the question. In seeking how to begin this memoir, where to start has been the main stumble bumble. So I will start here, at the now, instead of the beginning where all good memoirs start. Who cares anyway?
My most current obsession or the obsession closest to the cerebral cortex is the losing of the blubber-suit. I have accumulated an alarming mass of fat on my body. I have no idea where it came from or when it arrived, I only just noticed it. (Now everyone who believes that stand on your head, as my dear departed mother would say.) But for “memoir’s” sake, lets just pretend I just noticed it. From this moment forward, my existence will be to get rid of it. To shed it like the layer of insulation it is. I have become 2 or 3 people and its getting rather crowded in here. Now I always thought that I was preceded by my breasts but now a days I have to look around them to see my feet. Im not happy about that or the fact that I wear a size 26 in pants, 34 in shirts(this is huge) and a six shoe. I look like a pear on stilts with these litttle bittty feet. People do love me in spite of my fat and I know they do. I think they would love to see me in better shape, so I go forward with the blessings I know they send me. My outspoken friend Laura, never stopped telling me how concerned she is. I would get really mad at her but I really know she is right. So as I sit here and make plans and such, I am avoiding exercise. That is how I sabotage myself. I think I am so slick. Walking is how I will begin to move, but when? In the morning? Evening? Afternoon? Morning and evening? With or without dog? With or without child? Before or after the coffee? See? I am doing it again.
Ok...where to start? Ok, I had a baby about 15 years ago and it has been easing up on me ever since. Of course I was a fat child and teenager, then later a chubby adult. Never have I been “thin” but I have been less fat. There are pictures of me to prove it. Some observations I have had include breast feeding and weight loss. I got rid of a lot of immediate baby weight breast feeding. No if I could breast feed all the time, I might be thin. Do any of you have babies you need breast fed? Is that gross? I guess maybe it is. When I was nursing my last baby, I got right back in those pre-pregnancy pants, but as soon as I stopped, bam!! I burst right through them. So I just found some bigger pants and went on. That has been my legacy ever since. I have finally reached the end of bigger pants. I am going to go the other way now. I don’t think they sell clothes any bigger anyway.
I am going to have surgery, one way or the other, im getting rid of it. Wait and see. My sweet husband seems sad to see it go, but he soon perked up and said he was cool with it as long as I didn’t find some sexy Mexican and run away. Now why would he say such a thing? Lindsey, my last child who is also overweight, is way out in the lead and has lost about 20 pounds on phentermine. I am very happy for her. She seems to be on her way. Now its my turn. Im nearly 50 and it’s a turning point for me. Halfway somewhere.
There is a bright and sunny day in my past where I was happy and carefree. No children to worry about no bills, only fun and laughter with my best friend, Ellen. She was and still is always nearby for me to call and chat with. I am pondering those easy autumn days as I ponder my future too. I remember blazing reds and oranges and crisp cool breezes and long walks home. Lurking around on the fringes of my memory, there is also things like cinnamon bread and eggs, with sweet, sweet tea and spaghettios. Bar-b-que chips and chocolate cupcakes, Dr. Pepper and 16 oz cokes. Candy and cokes and chips were the main part of my diet and that set the stage for the first act of my fat play. I liked to eat mustard and pickle sandwiches and mayonnaise sandwiches and Hawaiian punch fruity juicy red. On Saturdays I would make a pizza and eat the whole thing by myself. Strange thing is that today, my favorite splurge junk food junk food is chocolate cupcake and bar-b-que chips. I still like real cokes, but I drink diet cokes because I know that I should. We are what we eat, that’s for sure.