Monday, June 8, 2009

We all live in a yellow submarine





Ok, I admit it...

I guess I am having what is known as a "mid life crisis" or something. I read back over my worry post and had to laugh a little. Mainly, because the post didn't even begin to touch on all of my issues. I have discovered that life is not how it appears to be, sort of like that warning in the rear view mirror "object may be closer than appears." When you wipe off some of the layers of facade we pile up, you get a little glimpse of how it really is. Even as close as we are with our own selves, we tend to paint things to suit our view, and then we are genuinely surprised when we discover our folly. I think that has been referred to as "sticking your head in the sand, wearing rose colored glasses, etc." I have decided that all that sand and paint and wallpaper creates a wall around our hearts to protect it from the truth, and it takes a lot of picking and peeling, blood, sweat and tears to uncover even the smallest inch of wall (truth).
You think you got it all together and are set for life then one little thing can happen to completely toss you out of your little orbit. I have met so many people who this has happened to, and it scares me, especially since I feel like I have only a tentative and slippery grip on my orbit...We try to take can of our own, but the gravitational pull of all these planets are changing our elliptical shapes. LOL.

Another thing...
I find myself caught in what seems to be an endless loop of repetitive activity and this is beginning to seriously annoy me. I am bored out of my mind. I seek out things to do to keep from being bored.
I make crazy and compulsive lists and fill up every speck of spare time to keep from having to have any empty time. I am very uncomfortable with spare time. Some people seem to have an excess of it.
This leads to a discussion of my compulsiveness. I have to wonder if I am compulsive or if the others are just lazy as hell.

Hmmm....Well needless to say, Im not crazy. LOL...
Good nite....
End Of Rant

4 comments:

Mandy said...

Have you tried meditation or tai chi? I found that my life is becoming very routine and I feel like I try too hard to fill up spare time so I don't fall into old habits but it doesn't work. Now I look forward to that free time so I can do a little soul searching, body cleansing and soul journaling.

Holli said...

I was once told by a psychologist during one of my hardest times in life that my compulsion to fill up my time was based on a fear of facing my life and what was happening (or not happening) in it. Just something to think about for you. When I as able to face those feelings I was running from I was able to feel more at peace with myself and I was ok to just "be".

dragyonfly said...

Thats it exactly, Holli. No doubt about it.
And Mandy...that is a great Idea. I have thought about looking into it. But im too busy worrying. Just kidding. I think you are onto something there. Exercise helps me alot, too.

teri said...

Yeah Holli, I hear you on that. I loved being busy in a classroom because I had no time to think about anything else. Eventually, though, I did have to go home, LOL. (That's when I got a divorce.) Deb - not saying that's you!!